


The Fall

by Muse92



Series: if i fall will you pull me up [2]
Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 20:13:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11470848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Muse92/pseuds/Muse92
Summary: When the past comes waltzing back into her life Erin can't continue pushing it from her mind. But after years of pushing away the things she has always know to be true will she ever truly fall into this new beginningCompanion piece to 'The Pull'





	The Fall

**Author's Note:**

> A companion piece to 'The Pull' that's been sitting in my drafts for so long but have finally gotten around to finishing

Dr Erin Gilbert, Particle Physics, up for tenure. This is exactly the moment her parents had envisioned for her for as long as she can remember. A respected member of a prestigious college, a respected scientist, the perfect daughter. She was so close to getting tenure she could almost taste it... she just wasn’t even sure if she even liked the taste.

A partner that couldn’t stand her. Colleagues who barely noticed her existence. Parents that only called to make sure she was exactly where she should be in the life they envisioned. It didn’t feel like the life she had wanted; it's cold, antiseptic, but with nowhere else to go she threw everything she had into it. She was going to get tenure if she liked it or not.

Any thoughts of that brief moment in her life where she was excited for her future were quickly pushed back down. She ran away from that place, she needed to focus on the here and now. She needed to focus on tenure.

“The first line says ‘this is not a joke’” And he looks at her with such conviction.

Of course when the past comes waltzing right back into her life she can’t continue pushing it from her mind.

She pushes the door open to Abby’s lab, walking right in, and it’s exactly as she thought it would be. A mess of machines, underwhelming and yet entirely exciting at the same time. Erin won’t allow herself a moment to enjoy the excitement she feels building. She needs to be angry; she needs to get that book taken down, not fall back into a life she could actually enjoy.

“Come here often?”

The words she knows. Has heard them before from drunken men in bars when it’s close to closing and she knows they’ve found no-one better than her. Words she pretends were meant for her the whole time as she quietly accepts what crumbs she’s offered. She turns, a knot of anxiousness forming in her stomach, but to her surprise she doesn’t find a man. Instead she finds herself face to face with a woman.

“I’ve heard terrible things about you.”

Erin won’t back down, she may have the decency to lower her gaze, but she is here for a reason. She is going to get that book taken down and nothing will change her mind.

 

* * *

 

“I BELIEVE IN GHOSTS! I BELIEVE IN GHOSTS!”

Her own words run through her mind again and again. She has spent her entire adult life running from this, from what she has always known to be true but finally the scales have tipped her way and she can’t ignore it anymore.

The life her parents had always wanted for her is gone; snatched out from beneath her feet and she can’t find it in herself to be upset about its lost. In its place stand and old friend and new friend. A chance to take back her own life, a second chance at a life worth living, worth loving. Abby takes her back with open arms and it feels so much like old times. Like nothing has changed despite how much has actually changed, despite the years that span between what once was and what could be.

Holtzmann takes exactly 20 minutes to warm up to Erin’s presence and for the life of her Erin can’t imagine why or what she did right. She is nervous and awkward while everything about Holtzmann screams confidence. She moves through the world as if she knows the answer to everything, cocky but in the best kind of way. Erin’s not even sure there is a good way to be cocky, all she knows is that Holtzmann somehow manages it.

Holtz glares at her across the room for 18 minutes. A knot forming in Erin’s stomach and twisting tighter the longer Holtzmann stares. Erin keeps track of every second.

At 19 minutes Holtzmann stands. Erin panics.

She walks over to Erin, her face stern, eyebrows knitted together. Erin doesn’t know what she should do. She can’t move, can’t breathe.

And suddenly Holtzmann is smiling, leaning over her desk, reaching for her.

“Where _do_ you get these tiny bowties?”

The knot doesn’t untwist an inch, tightens even, as Holtzmann fingers dance so close to her throat. The ground beneath her feet wobbles as Holtz plays with the bowtie before standing once more and winking at Erin. She still hasn’t answered the question, isn't sure if Holtz actually wants it answered.

 

* * *

 

Scattering was never going to be a good idea. Scattering away from a building not knowing where to meet back up is not a good idea. Scattering with a trolley load of stolen equipment and not even knowing where in the city your ex-best friend lives is definitely not a good idea.

She lost sight of Abby after turning down a side alley, the sounds of police sirens she logically knew weren’t for her driving her to hide. Erin doesn’t know what to do, where to go. She can feel that tell-tale panic rising, her palms are sweating and her heart rate picks up. She’s attracting too much attention; the trolley, its contents, her behaviour. It’s too curious, too weird. Her hands keep slipping off the trolley’s handle.

Erin needs to move, she needs to get out of here, needs to get this trolley somewhere. Her ears are ringing, her hands beginning to shake. She’s beginning to question if working with Abby again is such a good idea…

“ERIIINNNN!!”

Erin jumps, her hands slipping even more on the trolley and she almost loses balance. She turns in the direction of the voice and spots Holtzmann running up the street towards her. She’s running fast, the contents of her trolley wobbling precariously as she dodges pedestrians, completely ignoring all the shouting directed at her.

She’s running too fast, she won’t be able to stop, won’t be able to control the trolley and Erin’s panic increases. This equipment is expensive and there is no way the three of them could afford to replace it. Erin’s mind races with the mathematics of the situation coming straight for her. She knows what she needs to do, she needs to move backwards, needs to pull her trolley out of the way of Holtz’ but she’s frozen.

Holtzmann laughs, her smile wide; she has no inclination to stopping or slowing down. Erin watches in horror as Holtz lets go of the trolley with one hand, holding it out in front of her along the side of the equipment in her trolley. She steps to the side of the trolley, spinning it and continues moving at the same speed. Sideways and then backwards and if it weren’t for the panic Erin feels she might even be impressed as Holtz performs a complete 180 with the trolley at full speed, her arm creating the perfect barrier to somehow keep the equipment on the trolley.

She comes to a skidding stop in front of Erin facing back down the way she had run, breathing hard while leaning casually against her trolley. Her eyes wild and hair somehow no worse for wear and still Erin is frozen. She can’t work it out, it shouldn’t have worked. Holtzmann should be a mess on the floor with the equipment scattered around her. Erin’s mouth opens, a million questions in her head, but nothing comes out.

“You know they say you can catch flies if you leave you moth open like that,” Holtzmann begins, Erin quickly shuts her mouth and Holtz just smiles wider, “I wouldn’t worry though. I’ve never been able to do it in all my fly-catching experiments.”

She winks and Erin isn’t sure if she telling the truth but actually think she might be. Erin huffs still filled with questions she can’t ask. She looks at the trolley, at Holtz’ smug face, down the street, and back at the trolley, it doesn’t make sense.

“Physics in theory is fun,” Holtz says, moving to push the trolley back down the street, Erin following after her. “Physics in practice requires a little boundary pushing, a little rule breaking.”

Holtz laughs to herself, almost skipping as she moves down the street completely oblivious to the people around them. The knots in Erin’s stomach haven’t left yet and only seem to squeeze tighter together with every glance Holtz throws over her shoulder.

It’s not until Holtz leads her into an apartment building that Erin realises that she has no idea where they’re going.

The elevator up to the 8th floor is a tight squeeze. Holtzmann pulls a screwdriver out of nowhere and begins fiddling with some of the equipment on her trolley, whistling a tune Erin is sure she knows but can’t quite place. The elevator dings as it comes to a stop and Holtz, with a flourish, beckons Erin forward.

“Finally! You guys took your sweet time getting here.” Abby’s voice calls down the hall way, she’s sitting on the floor by her trolley near the end of the hallway.

“It’s not like we discussed where we were going before you screamed scatter and ran off.” Erin chides as she moves closer.

“Annndd,” Holtz sings out as she approaches the door, pulling keys out of her jacket. “Totally blew Erin’s mind with my sick trolley moves. Physics will bend to my will!!” She yells triumphantly, fist raised high in celebration as she wheels her trolley in.

Abby chuckles under her breath as she follows behind Holtz, Erin not far behind trying to conceal a smile and the blush she can feeling creeping up her cheeks. She pauses in the doorway, the apartment before her cannot be Abby’s.

A large studio apartment opens up to her, light streaming in through large windows to reveal a chaos of impossibility. The walls are covered in blueprints, some more singed around the edges than others. There are what look to be prototypes and tools arranged against the far wall, not quite neatly, not quite messy. Plants fill the available spaces between, adding a touch of life to a space so obviously meant for machines.

Abby moves straight to the kitchen area, pulling a few beers out of the fridge, before collapsing on a nearby couch. Holtz flits between the wall of her machines and the trolleys they’ve moved in, taking bits and pieces to different shelves. If she concentrates hard enough, Erin thinks she can almost hear Holtz whispering to them.

It feels so much like intruding but Erin can’t help herself as she moves through the room, trying to take in as much information as she can. Heading twisting from side to side as she tries to read the scrawled equations in the margins of Holtz’ designs. It’s an ordered chaos. It’s brilliant.

It’s beautiful.

The knots in her stomach still haven't quite untangled themselves, Erin breathes in deeply trying to calm her body. She is safe. She is fine. This is exactly where she needs to be, with people that believe her. Her stomach unclenches with every breath.

“Do you like them?”

Holtz voice appears out of nowhere right beside Erin’s ears and she jumps, clutching at her chest as her heart thunders. She takes a moment to collect herself, releasing a deep breath through her nose. Holtzmann is so close, the warmth of her body radiating across Erin’s. Her hand comes to rest on Erin’s shoulder, her hip popped.

She’s speaking again, pointing towards certain designs on the wall but Erin can’t hear a word she’s saying. The touch is so simple, so casual, but Erin is so unused to other people initiating physical contact it takes her by surprise. She stares at Holtzmann’s profile. Watches her eyes dart as she speaks about her designs, sees the pride in her features. The way one side of her mouth pulls up into a half smile as she talks. It’s enthralling; to watch someone so uncompromising talk about their work with such pride.

Holtz turns to look at Erin, her features almost glowing, and Erin can’t stand the brilliance. She turns towards the wall and points to a design further away. Holtzmann’s hand slides down her arm, wrapping around her wrist, and pulls her towards it and begins to describe it for Erin.

 

* * *

 

Erin keeps finding herself staring at Holtz and it’s unnerving. She doesn’t know exactly why she is drawn to her. Of course she is brilliant, intelligent, and more than a touch eccentric, but that wouldn’t explain the sheer amount of times she finds her herself just watching Holtz.

The way her fingers dance across her prototypes, as if pondering exactly which item of ghost destruction most needs to be upgraded. The way her head bops along to every song that blasts from her stereo; her hair slowly moving more and more to the beat as the day progresses and the hairspray she must use wears off. The smile that takes over her features when she completes a prototype and dances in celebration, her hands reaching out to grab anything to dance with.

Erin finds herself just as often wishing that Holtz would reach for her to dance with, that thought scares her the most. And it shouldn’t be a scary thought but somehow it is. It’s just dancing. But the idea of dancing with Holtz makes her stomach twist. Holtz is a great dancer and Erin feels so awkward when she tries to follow along to Holtzmann’s music. She watches the way Holtz’ eyes crinkle and her nose scrunches when she does join in on the dancing, in those moments Erin doesn’t mind staring.

Except she shouldn’t be staring, there is no reason for her to be staring and Erin knows that. She can’t keep allowing herself to fall into staring at Holtz. They are going to be working together more and more now that they finally have a real place to work. No more moving between each other's apartments and libraries, no more carting equipment and notes across the city. This is a space for them all; she needs to focus on the work. Focus less on Holtzmann.

She needs to distract herself and as if in answer to a prayer she never made, in walks the perfect distraction. The kind of distraction that is acceptable, she could stare all she wants and it wouldn’t be a problem.

The interview goes about as well as Erin can expect, Kevin seems such a nice enough guy even if not quite all there. She pushes it though, Erin throws herself at Kevin and it's even more awkward than her usual attempts at flirting. She trips over her words, her body shaking with nerves.

It’s forced, so very forced, but Abby knows how awkward she can be so it should go unnoticed and Kevin seems completely oblivious. Holtzmann though, she keeps eyeing Erin off. Every comment she makes, every movement Erin can feel Holtz’ eyes on her, contemplating her. Her stomach twists tighter every time her eyes meet Holtzmann’s.

 

* * *

 

It doesn’t take long for life to take on some semblance of normality, a sense of joy. The years that span between Erin and Abby disappear quicker than she had expected, Abby is exactly the person she remembers; vibrant, uncompromising, and full of life. Erin finds herself falling into routines from their school days and she can’t help but enjoy every second of their reunion.

Heated debates over a dinner, the winner prized with the last dumpling, her most favourite returning routine. Erin’s heart races, the exhilaration of debating someone that actually cares about her point of view so unaccustomed. She goes head first into their debates, not caring if she’ll win that last dumpling. Debating with her friend once more prize enough.

Holtz never joins in on their debates. She sits between them, head swinging back and forth as if watching a tennis match. The occasional hum of approval at a particular argument.

Every time those hums are directed in Erin’s direction she feels lighter even as her stomach twists. Erin bases who is winning the argument on those hums, even if she doesn’t voice her system. She counts them in her head, every hum a triumph.

“I think you’re losing you touch there Gilbert.” Abby says as she clears the dishes from their most recent debate dinner. “You haven’t lost this many debates in a row ever.”

Erin doesn’t hear Abby’s words at first, she doesn’t hear anything. All of her attention focused on Holtzmann across the room. She stands before one of Erin’s whiteboards, flipping a marker through her fingers, and contemplating the equation before her. It’s one Erin has been struggling with for days, the answer continues to elude her.

Erin watches Holtz, and she knows it’s not because she’s worried Holtz will mess up the equation. She almost wishes it was the reason; that reason more readily explainable. No, the reason Erin can’t take her eyes of Holtz is her dancing. It had started with simple tapping of her foot, the noise catching Erin’s attention first and making her turn towards Holtz. But slowly the movement began to flow up her body. Her hips, shoulders, head all joining in on the beat that only Holtzmann can hear.

The sight is captivating.

It’s jealousy. It has to be jealousy.

Erin knows she can’t move like that, her body more static and erratic than Holtzmann’s. She moves like water, the rhythm flows through her body so easily. She makes it look effortless.

It has to be jealousy.

She won’t let it be anything else.

Erin feels a hand jostling her shoulder and her focus expands. Her world no longer revolving around the way Holtzmann moves, she can hear the TV  playing on the other side of the room, feel Abby’s eyes on her.

“Earth to Erin, you in there?” Abby says, her smile wide and knowing.

“What... yeah... I ummm... my equation?” Her response is unconvincing even to her own ears.

“That’s a damn good equation you got your eyes on.” Abby’s not talking about the equation, the smirk on her face giving away any innocence to her statement.

Erin shifts uncomfortably under Abby’s gaze, she doesn’t want to face the topic lying just beneath the surface. She hasn’t fully acknowledged it herself, Erin can’t bear to talk about it. Abby must pick up in this, she turns her attention to Holtz as well. The smirk shifting to something warmer, friendlier.

“I’m glad you’re back, you know.” Abby says, the words hushed. “I’ve missed you. But I don't think I would have found Holtz if you hadn’t left, she’s been good for me, for the work.”

Abby takes a deep breath, her fingers twitching in her lap, as if contemplating her next words.

“She could be good for you too. She’ll push you to be brave about everything, how can someone not be brave around her, you know. Holtzy is bravery in human form wrapped in genius.” Abby continues her hand coming to rest on Erin’s shoulder.

Her words are comforting, and all the more scary for it.

 

* * *

 

She’s going to do it, if she doesn’t do it she thinks she might explode. Erin Gilbert is about to initiate physical contact with someone she knows won’t move out of her reach. Holtzmann is such a physical person, always close and touching anyone near her. Erin is going to do it.

Holtzmann has been sitting at her desk in her corner of the office for an hour and hasn’t moved or made a sound. It’s beginning to worry Erin. The trolleys of stolen equipment are parked carefully by Holtz who is just staring at them, a screwdriver clutched in one hand and a pack of Pringles in the other. Erin can’t focus on her own work when Holtzmann is so still, so used to being in the whirlwind that is Holtzmann these past few weeks.

Erin stands from her desk, taking her coffee with her as a kind of safety blanket, and moves quietly towards Holtzmann’s desk. The coffee doesn’t quite stop the shaking in her hands. She sees Holtzmann’s eye flick her way but otherwise Holtz remains as still as before. Erin pulls up a chair beside Holtz, sitting just close enough that she could, if she were brave enough, reach out and touch her.

She sits there in silence, not really looking at Holtz but enough that she can see Holtz in her peripherals. Erin doesn’t say a word. Her mind racing with things she could say but nothing that quite feels right. The ground shakes with the words she can’t speak, knots forming in her stomach once more. Erin takes a sip of her coffee, stalling for time even though no one is checking it.

Erin looks into the trolley Holtz is, trying to see what she sees. Nothing but machinery, twisted wires, and powerless gadgets.

“What exactly are we looking at Holtz?” Erin asks, finally turning her head towards her.

Holtzmann doesn’t reply for the longest time. She blinks slowly, her eyes dart to Erin without moving her head and then back to the trolley.

“Possibility.”

Erin has never heard Holtz sound so serene, so calm, and this is it. This is her moment. All she needs to do is reach over, move slightly. Anything. But she can’t move: her entire body seems tied to those persistent knots in her stomach. They ground her to the chair, she feels tethered in the worst way. All she wants to do is lean over, rest her head against Holtzmann’s shoulder and stare in to the mess of a trolley before her but she can’t move.

She remains. Still. Tethered. Not brave enough but wishing she were.

 

* * *

 

Erin watches Abby leave the office for the night, a cheerful goodbye and a promise not to stay too late. Abby has an incredible talent for getting her work finished or to a place where she can leave every night at a decent time. She enjoys her time away from the office as much as her time in the office. To be honest, Erin is jealous. Jealous because she has never felt entirely comfortable outside of her work. Always a little awkward, a little too invested.

Erin returns her attention to the whiteboard in front of her, the numbers spinning in her vision, a blurred mess. She’s been working on this for hours and can't seem to move past this block. She just needs a little pick-me-up, something to get her going again. She makes her way to the small kitchenette they have set up to put a fresh pot of coffee on and walks past Holtzmann's surprisingly empty desk. Holtz is usually here much later than her. It feels odd that the space be so empty, so quiet.

She pulls down a mug from the cupboard and waits for the coffee to brew, letting her mind empty of her work, her eyes closing. The aroma of fresh coffee beginning to bring her body back to life, ease the fatigue from her bones.

A loud bang and a string of curse words shock Erin back to the present. She watches as a dishevelled Holtz crawls out from under her work bench, a pillow clutched under her arm. Her hair is falling out of her intricate up-do and Erin can't help but stare. She has never seen Holtz with her hair out and even those few loose strands captivate her attention in a way she wished they wouldn’t. It’s just hair.

Erin shakes her head, trying to clear her thoughts. Holtzmann hasn’t noticed her staring, hasn’t noticed her at all. She throws the pillow into one of the many drawers surrounding her work space, rubbing her eyes she pulls out some of her designs and sits back at her bench. She must have been napping, preparing for a long night ahead, Erin wishes she had the ability to sleep as easily in weird places as Holtz evidently can.

The coffee machine beeps at her and she pours herself a cup, although she can’t quite bring herself to head back to her whiteboard, to her work. Erin allows eyes to fall once more on Holtzmann.

She's never been good at this, the interacting with people thing. She thinks maybe Holtz, of all people, will understand. She opens the cupboard again, she’s going to make an effort to be brave. To be casual, normal. She doesn’t want to come across as her usually stiff self. She pushes mugs aside trying to find the perfect mug; she might as well start off on a good foot. She eventually spots the mug she’s been looking for. Haphazardly shoved into the wrong cupboard and even that feels so much like the Holtz Erin is getting to know.

The handle of the mug is barely hanging on, and the print _'I’m an ~~engeneer enginere engenere~~ , I’m good at math' _has almost entirely rubbed off but Erin always sees Holtz with this cup. When she finishes a new prototype, standing to admire her work with the mug filled with soda. When she spends her mornings stripping wires, the steam rising from the cup to fog her glasses. She’s even seen Holtz use it to hold her screwdrivers once she’s finished her drink.

Taking a deep breath Erin makes her way over to Holtz' desk. Mentally telling herself everything will be fine, Holtzmann is her colleague. There is no reason to be nervous. It doesn’t stop the way her stomach drops the closer she gets to Holtzmann's bench. Doesn’t stop the way the Earth seems to shift under her feet, she feels unsteady, like she could at any moment drop the two mugs in her hands.

She sets both cups down on the bench, the mug for Holtzmann placed carefully within her line of sight. Holtzmann’s fingers still, the pen she had been spinning now hovering over her paper, she looks up at Erin her grin widening when her gaze reaches Erin’s face.

"Well, well, Dr Gilbert, what a pleasant surprise," Holtzmann performs a mock bow while still seated and takes he offered mug. "What can I do for you?"

Her smile is infectious and Erin finds herself smiling in return, her stomach still refusing to return to normal but the Earth holds its place.

"I uhh... just a bit stuck on something and needed a distraction." She admits.

"Well you've come to the right place! Distractions are my speciality," Holtz announces, her arms thrown wide and voice booming as if she were a ring leader presenting her circus line up. "We've got gadgets, and snacks, and drawings... maybe even something a little dangerous if you’re so inclined?"

"Oh, no, I don’t want to be a bother... I just kind of want to sit here really, you do you’re thing."

Holtz eyes her for a moment, her smile ever present, before giving Erin a firm nod. She moves her chair around the table, closer to Erin, and arranges her designs around them. She takes a sip of her coffee and Erin finds herself mirroring the action before Holtz begins speaking, softly, about what she’s doing. She’s not really directing it at Erin but she’s not really not-directing it at Erin either. She is simply externalising her thought processes and Erin listens in awe.

The way she moves her hands across the pages, jumping from one idea to the next, is incredible and even with Holtz describing what she is doing she can’t quite figure out the correlations between some of her jumps. Holtz, simply put, is a genius. Erin knew that of course, but to watch it, to be allowed into this world of Holtzmann’s is incredible. It’s invigorating, inspiring.

Erin finds herself asking questions, pausing Holtz in her work for more information and it feels natural. There is no awkwardness, not in the way she usually feels it. She doesn’t feel out of place or out of depth with Holtz. They simply sit together, work together. It feels right and Erin's stomach finally settles. Somehow she feels lighter but doesn't know how to explain it.

When at last Erin drains the last of her now cold coffee she excuses herself from Holtzmann's desk and returns once more to her whiteboard. Glancing at the whiteboard Erin sees the answer to her problem almost immediately, coming from left field, as if some of Holtz’ energy has followed Erin to her desk.

As Abby leaves the office the next day Erin finds herself once more pouring two cups of coffee and pulling up a chair beside Holtz. Her stomach still drops as she settles in the chair and Holtzmann looks up at her, her eyes almost shimmering with untold possibility.

The ground still tilts beneath her feet but she’s coming to enjoy the feeling.

 

* * *

 

Patty is the much needed final element to the team and Erin cannot help but feel glad there is another ‘mothering’ figure for the group. There is only so much she can do alone to keep both Abby and Holtz from going completely off the wagon. Between the two of them, Patty and Erin are able to keep them eating an almost healthy diet and not purposely blow up the office every other day. She makes Erin laugh almost as much as Holtz does and is one of the first people to ever worry about Erin’s wellbeing. It’s nice having someone look out for her and she cherishes every moment she has with Patty.

Except this moment.

Holtzmann has finished another prototype and has turned her stereo up, Erin knows she’s about to begin one of her signature dance parties. The dance parties Erin secretly watches every time, fascinated by the moves Holtz does. Envious of the joy Holtz feels, the way her body moves. Patty has chosen this exact moment to come over to her desk with their lunches. They have to most stable eating routines and regularly have lunch together but Erin doesn’t feel like eating right now; not when Holtz is dancing just outside of her vision.

She knows it’s weird, wrong even, to watch Holtz so much, but she can’t seem to stop and Patty is directly between her and Holtz. Patty hands her a salad roll and Erin thanks her, her voice a little more gruff than usual and Patty picks up on it instantly. She’s much too observant for her own good sometimes.

She eyes Erin for a moment, her lips pursed, and Erin tries not to make it obvious that she’s trying to look around her. Erin rests her elbow on the table and leans to the left, keeping her eyes on her lunch or on Patty. She just needs Patty to stop watching her so she can start watching Holtzmann.

Erin chances a quick flash of her eyes in Holtz’ direction, the briefest of looks, catching her in the middle of an air guitar solo, and Erin can’t stop the smile threatening to take over her lips. Her lip twitches and she stares intently down at her sandwich hoping that Patty doesn’t notice.

Of course that doesn’t happen, Patty chuckles while sliding her chair around to the same side as Erin. Erin looks up at her confused.

“If you wanted lunch and a show, you should have just said,” Patty says, nodding towards Holtzmann who has now picked up her blow torches to dance with, thankfully they remain off this time.

“What… a show…?” Erin isn’t sure how to respond, isn’t sure if she should acknowledge being caught or play dumb.

“You know you’re anything but subtle right?” Patty asks, turning in her chair to face Erin and placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. “We might work with some of the most socially oblivious people on this planet but I see everything, you can’t keep your eyes off her.”

They both turn to look at Holtz once more as she kicks off her boots and slides across the room in a Tom Cruise from Risky Business imitation. Erin’s stomach knots together but allows herself the smile she feels coming on. In the corner of her eye Erin sees Patty’s own smile widen as she shakes her head.

She knows they’re smiling for different reasons. Knows the knots in her stomach aren’t just nerves but she can’t do anything for them. She’s never allowed herself to fall into the things she enjoys; she couldn’t even stay with Abby despite the joy it brought her to work together. She has always done what's expected of her, run from those knots.

“I just don’t know.” Erin whispers, her eyes not leaving Holtzmann but proud of herself for finally giving a voice to whatever it is that’s going on.

Patty squeezes her shoulder gently before standing, “Be brave... and enjoy the show.”

 

* * *

 

It’s movie night, one of her favourite parts of the week. A tradition Patty had instilled in them, a chance to relax together that doesn’t involve leaving the safety of the work space. To set their work aside and focus on something other than the paranormal, on something they can shut the noise in their brains off to. She can hear Holtz and Patty arguing in the other room about the movie choice for the evening. It’s Holtz’ turn to choose the movie which usually leads to some kind of heated discussion.

“But Patty... it’s not really about ghosts so it’s not like work at all!” Holtz whines.

“Nope, movie nights are ghost free Holtzy,” Patty says.

She remains at her desk, not working but not quite ready to join them. If she waits long enough Abby and Patty will have spread themselves out on a couch each, leaving just one for herself and Holtz to share. It selfish, entirely so, but Erin needs those moments in the muted darkness near Holtz. Still not brave enough to do anything other than enjoy the proximity, ignoring the way her whole body knots in hope.

“Erin, if you don’t get your ass in here soon we’ll start the movie without you!” Abby calls outs to Erin, pulling her to her feet at last.

“Bring Pringles!” Holtz yells.

The room is dark when she finally walks in, a pack of Pringles tucked under one arm and two cups of coffee, the flickering from the TV the only thing lighting her way. As she had hoped, Abby and Patty have stretched out on the couches and Holtz sits waiting for her.

Holtz holds a blanket in her hands, ready to throw it over Erin’s legs when she has settled on her half of the couch. Erin passes Holtz a mug and the Pringles before leaning back into the couch, enjoying the shared warmth of the blanket.

And if in the muted darkness of movie night she feels brave enough to inch herself closer to Holtz she will.

Sometimes she thinks maybe Holtz is doing the same thing.

 

* * *

 

It’s innocent.

At least, that’s what she keeps telling herself. Has to tell herself. If she doesn’t she’ll have to think about why she’s doing it.

She spends so much of her time close to Holtzmann. She moves her desk closer to Holtz. Moves her whiteboard so that she can see what Holtz is working on. Erin simply enjoys being in the vicinity of Holtzmann. Too feel that much _life_ around her in incredible.

Erin will stand before her whiteboard, absent-mindedly chewing the end of her whiteboard marker, not stumped at all. The equation before her doesn’t add up the way she wants it too. It’s not quite right and she knows it would be easy to solve, she can feel the answer in her fingertips. But she doesn’t want the answer, not yet. Not when she can feel Holtz’ eyes on her. Erin knows the longer she stands staring at her whiteboard the more likely it is that Holtz will wonder over, will drape herself over Erin’s desk to help. She will wrap her arms around Erin’s shoulder.

When Holtz at last comes to a lull in her movements, when at last her body still and she pulls out her designs Erin moves closer. Two cups of coffee in hand and a hope that she’ll be brave, that she will do something about the heaviness in her chest, about the knots in her stomach, about the tilting of the Earth. These times are her favourite. When Holtz speaks only loud enough for Erin to hear, when Holtz divulges her thinking, her scheming, her wonder, to Erin. And it would just take a small movement for Erin to change things, to be brave. But that heaviness, it ties her to her chair, to the safety of staying in Holtz’ orbit.

The only just risen sun guides Erin through their office every morning. Her mind, never quiet, rarely leaves their office even if her body does. Holtz is so very similar to Erin in so many ways that it is unsurprising to find her already hard at work. She brings with her coffee and bagels, it’s nothing official, they haven’t really talked about it but they have breakfast together almost every day. The domesticity of it all twists Erin in every tightening circles. An unspoken moment of solace, an empty office alone together.

Every moment in Holtz’ orbit is torture and relief all in one. Erin can’t remember the last time she felt like she could breathe properly. The last time the world’s movement didnt affect her so. The last time her stomach was knot free. It’s almost unbearable but the thought of doing something to ruin this feeling scares her more than anything else. More than the fear of obscurity, of discredit. Every moment with this torture is a moment of hope, without a movement to change things the answer could always be yes. Erin stays just out of reach for fear of breaking whatever it is they have.

She falls into every single one of Holtz’ touches but is so tethered she can’t reach for Holtz in return. But neither can he turn away. Erin holds them both in place, a constant dance around each other. It’s selfish.

It’s not brave but it’s the most she’ll let herself fall into Holtz.

 

* * *

 

It begins and Erin is not with them. It begins and Erin is not with Holtzmann.

She runs.

She doesn’t know what else she can do. She needs to find them, to find Holtz. There is a city to save, friends to back up... and Holtz, she needs to make sure Holtz stays safe.

She runs.

Heart beating loud in her ears, louder than she has ever heard it, but she doesn’t need to hear anything else. Her lungs burn, her muscles ache but she doesn’t stop. The firehouse is only just around the corner now and she knows what she needs to do. The pain in her body nothing to the twisting in her stomach.

The ecto-1 is nowhere to be seen, the place too quiet, too empty. Erin sprints through the room, pulling her gear on, the weight of Holtzmann gadgets barely registering in the moment. She spins ready to go after her friends but something holds her back, something catches her eye.

The pocket knife on her desk seems almost illuminated in the green light spilling in the windows. Her knife. Holtz’ knife. She moves to it without thinking, hand reaching for the item without breaking stride. She needs its comforting presence as she moves back out onto the street.

She runs.

The streets almost flying by her as she moves. Every step brings her closer to The Mercado, to the centre of the action. Erin hopes to her friends.

She runs.

Through streets filled with green lights, between scared civilians desperate to get out of the city. Erin runs as if her life depends on, at times she thinks it does. She doesn’t notice her body aching or getting tired, she can hear the sound of shouting and the blast of Holtzmann machines and it drives her forward.

She turns and watches in horror as her friends dive, giving up the use of their weapons in a desperate attempt to flee the ghost. It’s massive, bigger than anything Erin has ever seen. An eerie parade balloon, its features taking on a menacing tone as its entire body crashes over her friends.

She runs.

Her hands reaching for her knife rather than the guns strapped to her back on instinct. It’s a balloon after all, surely the knife with work better than the guns that hadn’t worked for the others. She comes to a skidding stop, hand thrust out and pushes the knife harshly into the balloons side.

There’s a small whizzing sound and for a moment Erin thinks that the knife isn’t enough, that she isn’t enough. She almost loses her balance when the ghost explodes beside her, but she holds firm, her friends still need her.

Erin barely has a second to acknowledge her relief as the three of them get to their feet once more. There is more to do, an army of ghosts to defeat and a city to save. Holtzmann wraps her arm briefly around her shoulders and Erin relishes the brief moment of contact.

 

* * *

 

Erin’s body moves before her mind has a chance to catch up, to understand the enormity of what just happened. She has the wire wrapped around her waist and has already leapt into the portal when she realises what’s about to happen.

But what else could she have done. She’d lost Abby once already, she cannot bare to lose her once more. Her best friend is pulled into a portal to another plane of existence, all she can do is jump in after her and hope against all the odds that they’ll come out of this alive.

Time feels different, moves different. It feels like moving in slow motion but Erin is determined, she pushes forward arms outstretched and Abby is right there, so close. Erin pulls her gun from her pack and aims at the arm holding Abby and fires quickly, watching as Abby flips free of his grasp. And at last she has Abby in her arms, safe in her arms.

“I wasn’t gonna leave you twice.”

This could be their end, lost in a ghost portal but Erin couldn’t ask for a better way to go. Bravely with her best friend at her side, the city saved. They have become so much more than they had hoped to be and if this is their end she can accept that.

Mostly.

 

* * *

 

The hearse is gone but she’s alive, they’re alive.

No hearse means having to walk back to the office. Not a single taxi in sight, not a single Good Samaritan, not a single useless Homeland Security Officer offered. Nobody to take them back.

Her body is beyond exhausted but her mind won’t stop. She was on the other side. She went through the ghost portal. She saved her best friend.

And yet...

And yet all she can think of now is how many times she could have fallen into Holtz already. How many innocent brushes of the back of her hand against Holtz’ could have turned into something more. How many times they had all but cuddled up on the couch on movie night and then as soon as the movie ended had separated. All she can think about is how many chances she had already missed.

She was brave enough to save Abby.

Maybe she could be brave enough to fall into Holtz the way she should have done already.

Maybe she could be brave enough to be more than just innocent.

She wants to fall completely, not just allow herself the little luxuries of reaching for Holtzmann.

She wants, oh how she wants this. 

She needs to be brave again.

 

* * *

 

The firehouse is better than she had hoped. There is so much room for the projects, for their work. They fit so well within its walls, it becomes a home to her, more so than her actual home.

Holtzmann takes over the second floor as she had planned but Erin soon makes room for herself up there as well. It works better than way, she can keep an eye on Holtz and ensure she doesn’t explode something she shouldn’t. She fills an entire wall with whiteboards and moves her desk close to Holtz’.

She hasn’t talked to Holtz about it yet, but it’s coming, she can fill the words building in her chest. Erin is almost confident in the words she is building up to say, and after the speech Holtz had given after the battle she has an idea of how it will end.

But she not there yet, she’s close, so very close. She just needs a little more time.

But that doesn’t stop her from falling into Holtz as much as she can now. Taking up as much space in the lab as Holtz, taking up as much of Holtz attention as Holtz takes up hers.

It’s a dance, she feels like she almost knows the steps to it, she’s almost ready to learn the next ones.  

 

* * *

 

“And we’re dating.”

Erin panics. Of course she does, they haven’t spoken about it. Not once, not even half a sentence. Her heart is screaming at her agree with the words Holtzmann said, to run with them. Make them true. But habit wins out, she runs, she panics.

Holtzmann’s face dropping at her words hurts more than she could ever explain. Abby disputing Erin’s words only make the situation worse. Everyone can see what is between them but she is still so scared to fall entirely. To let herself be exactly what she knows she wants to be.

Holtz turns her back on Erin, distracts herself from the situation. Moves deeper into her lab, her mentor a step behind her.

Abby roughly pushes Erin out of the lab, giving Holtzmann the space. Her disappointment at Erin almost as painful as her anger that Erin would lie. She doesn’t know what made her say Kevin’s name, reflex perhaps. She threw herself at him once before, why not again. Erin doesn’t hear the words Abby whisper-yells at her, she doesn’t need to. She’s yelling them at herself in her mind.

Be brave.

 

* * *

 

 

She’s nervous, she hasn’t felt this nervous around Holtz in so long and it feels wrong. She doesn’t say anything, not yet. She allows the silence to swallow up everything between them, swallow up her uncertainty. She stands behind her, not sure if she’s ready for what she about to do but clears her throat anyway, catching Holtz’ attention.

Holtz spins in her seat, her hands automatically reaching into her pockets exposing her own nervousness. And they stay like that, Erin standing before Holtz not knowing how to start. She can’t look directly at Holtz, can’t allow herself that comfort. If she looks into her eyes she knows she’ll break. Knows the words won’t leave her chest, and they sit so heavily there holding her in place. They’ve been holding her in place for so long and she needs to be free of them.

She sees Holtz move towards her, leaning forward in her seat. Her hand reaches for Erin’s and it’s the simplest action in the world. Holtz is reaching for Erin even now, after everything that has happened between them and everything that never happened. All she needs to do is reach her own hand out, it twitches by her side, towards Holtz. And that seems to be enough for Holtz, that small movement enough to show Erin’s intention; she fits her fingers between Erin’s.

“You haven’t asked me.”

It’s not quite the words she had wanted to say, there are so many filling her chest, fighting for space. It’s a start. A moment of bravery but the warmth of Holtz’ hand retreats and she panics. Her stomach knots, and her chest feels infinitely heavier. She stands and Erin knows Holtz is about to leave, like everything else she has ever loved.

Erin closes her eyes, not wanting to watch Holtz retreating figure, she couldn’t bare the sight. But Holtz doesn’t leave. She stays, she closes the gap, her hands at Erin’s waist a familiar and yet unfamiliar feeling. Erin opens her eyes and Holtz is right there.

“Dr Erin Gilbert, would you do me the honour of being my girlfriend?”

Every part of her being relaxes at the words, her stomach un-knots and Erin feels like she can breathe right for the first time in months. She fights the tears welling in her eyes but not the smile as she nods.

She falls, falls so easily into Holtz’ embrace. Her hands tangle in the mess of hair and pulls Holtz closer to her, pulls her lips to her own. It’s simple, innocent, and somehow so much more. It certainly doesn’t stay that way.

It’s the only thing she has wanted for months without even fully realising it and it’s hers. Her chest is still heavy with the words she hasn’t said, but there is so much time for them now.

Holtz is here, in her arms, and hers.

 

 

 


End file.
